What plays a bigger roll in shaping our personality? Are we a product of our environment? Or is it the roll of the DNA dice?
This is a very old question that has been debated back and forth by educators, psychologists, and parents.
Counting the time since my very first positive pregnancy test I’ve been a mother for 17 years and 7 days. During that time I read one book on parenting. You know the one, the baby manual for the newborn, What to Expect the First Year. I needed to know things like when to start baby on solid foods. Which solid foods come first. After that, I went on instinct and what I remembered from my own childhood.
Yes, parenting has evolved over the years. Our parents put us down on our tummies to sleep. We put our babies down on their sides with a towel rolled up behind their backs. Did you ever ride buckled into a car seat? I didn’t. But our children did because it’s what’s safer.
Are my parenting skills innately encoded in me by genetics or is this what I learned by how my parents raised me? In my personal case it’s difficult to make the distinction because I was raised by my natural parents. So in a way, nature and nurture are the same.
Then I look at my own children and I wonder.
For those of you who don’t know, my ex-husband is the sperm donor (aptly named by the boys) of my children. One of the major reasons for wanting a divorce from him was the realization that I didn’t want my sons to grow up to be like him. That is a very harsh realization. Thankfully, it was a very timely one.
After the sperm donor received the check for his portion of the equity in the house, he fell off the face of the earth. No contact or knowledge of his whereabouts for the past eight years. As you might guess, I made a good decision.
My Sweetie is the first and only father the boys have known. We have been raising them together for six years now. My Sweetie legally adopted the boys in May 2006. Yes, I would be very proud for my sons to grow up to be the type of man my husband has become.
It wasn’t until I made that harsh realization so many years ago have I wondered about the nature vs. nurture question. Will nature override nurture? I have been hyper-aware of this question in the upbringing of the boys.
Mostly I’ve worried about Mr. A because he had more exposure to the sperm donor. G-Man doesn’t even remember him. Mr. A also has another unfair disadvantage of looking remarkably like the sperm donor. G-Man totally looks like my side of the family.
Occasionally, I would have to stop and shake my head when I saw Mr. A with a particular expression on his face, heard a certain tone in voice, or noticed the way he gestured with his hands. I would look at my son’s bright blue eyes (not green) and the sparkle in his smile and know that he is his own person.
I’ve always felt that as parents it’s our job to make our children ready for the real world. Both my Sweetie and I agree that we’re almost there with Mr. A. Good thing too since he’s going to meet the real world in less than 17 months.
But then this past weekend an incident occurred and I got upset with the way Mr. A handled it. At first I was upset with my son but logically I knew that wasn’t fair. I was upset because it reminded me of a situation with the sperm donor.
Panic started to seep in. What if nature is the winner after all???
Before I could get too spun up I talked to my husband about it. After a little bit of discussion out in the garage as he tinkered on my truck, we distilled the true essence of the situation.
I remember my ex-husband’s behavior as being childish, selfish, and immature. He was a 30 year old man acting like a 16 year old boy.
Mr. A is a 16 year old boy acting like… guess what… a 16 year old boy! How he handled the situation was perfectly normal and natural. The added bonus is that he actually learned and matured from the situation.
So we must be doing an okay job, right?
What are your thoughts on nature vs. nurture? Any experiences to share?
8 comments:
A wonderfully thoughtful post. You know we share similar situations, I being the step parent. We think about this all the
time & hope that the "bad genes" mean significantly less than the loving environment. Good must overcome in the end! But you know, I've seen more than enough times a situation where 2 siblings in the same environment turn out quite different as adults...in EVERYTHING. That leaves me wondering. :)
We never worried about nature vs nurture. The challenge was to raise the kids the best way we knew how, which included a lot of love, directing, controlling and sharing life. As you point out each child is his or her own person and seems to have his own compass. Installing values, truth, a sense of worth with respect for others is all a parent can try to accomplish. We gave it our best effort and are very pleaased with the products!!!!!
Must have been a full moon for the teenagers this past weekend. Having known said sperm donor, I can assure you that Mr A is not now nor will he ever be anything like him. There are times when nature has nothing to do with anything. You and I and our sisters are perfect examples.
I don't know what happen this weekend but I have to go with S on this one. Whatever it was he probably handled it like any 16yo boy normally would. If he actually learned and matured from it well "What does not kill us will make us stronger."
I think about this question often, especially when wondering about the extent to which I have passed along my neurotic tendencies to my sons. I believe that each of us is influenced by a mixture of both nature and nurture - I once heard the term "nurtural" used - but that being loved and raised with good values (being well nurtured as your sons clearly are) ultimately wins out.
(By the way, I really enjoyed Snow Flower and the Secret Fan (just noticed it on your shelfari).)
Both of my kids are adopted and it's strange how they will manifest things just like one of their birth parents when they've not spent enough time with them for it to be learned behavior. Genetics are funny!
It reminds me of the studies on twins and how even separated at birth for years, they still seem identical in characteristics years later. I've also known twins for a long time and they are very very different. Seems so random at times, but yet the DNA imo leaves a 'tendancy' to flurish maybe if not shaped by other elements in nurture.
I'm sure I'll contemplate this more as my own daughter gets older.
What an interesting question you've brought up. What I have found is quite interesting to me...I have five siblings and our personalities are vastly different (DNA), but what is weirder is that our perceptions of childhood vary just as greatly. I think most of the time, nuture overrides the development of behavior with the exception of strong personality types or those struggling with mental health issues.
Such an intriguing topic, one I think about a lot. Maybe because, like you, there are certain things about my ex...
He lies. About everything.
And, I hate to admit this, my 22 year old son is an amazing liar. About ridiculous things. I've been discussing this with him since he was about 7. How his dad is this way and maybe he has a tendency to be this way, but how destructive it can be. A fine line, since his dad is very much in his life, altho not day to day for years and years. I guess all we can do is focus on what we believe will make them good men, right? How fortunate you are to have this great guy in your life; how fortunate they are!!
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