Some are big.
Which college should I attend? Should I take the job? Live in the city or the suburbs?
Some are small.
Should I wear my hair up or down? Goobers or Raisinets? Mac or PC?
Some decisions are life altering.
Should we have children?
Some decisions are not.
Black boots or brown boots?
Some decisions are made for us by the universe.
Our siblings or the gender of our children.
Back in December I made a life altering decision with the full support of my husband and children. Unfortunately, my parents don’t completely understand my decision. Perhaps they don’t even realize that was my choice to make.
I am the youngest of three siblings. My brother is eight years my senior. He’s married, still lives in New Jersey, and has a daughter and a son. My sister is six years older than me. She’s also married, lives about an hour away, and has two daughters.
My mind is packed with wonderful childhood memories. I truly loved my childhood. The name of my blog reflects that. Of course, nothing is perfect and my childhood wasn’t. My family had its ups, downs and near misses. But overall I was really happy!
However, there’s one glitch.
I never had a sister.
Yes, physically I have a sister. But I’ve never had a blood-relative who’s emotionally a sister. No late night giggles, no sharing of secrets, no boy talk, no hugs, no affection. Oh, I wanted a sister and I tried so hard to be a good sister. I thought that if I just tried a little bit harder, then she would be a sister back to me. It didn’t happen.
For many years I thought the age difference caused a chasm between us. Deep down I knew that never was the case because my brother and I have a great relationship. Finally, I chalked it up to my sister and I just being wired differently.
Then my sister and her family moved to Florida. That’s when more unsettling things occurred.
My sister refers to my Sweetie as, “Erica’s second husband.” Sweetie says it doesn’t bother him but it bothers me.
The true breaking point was the behavior of my nieces. The girls are currently ages 8 and 10. The youngest never met my ex-husband and the oldest was just shy of two years old the last time she saw him. A couple of summers ago the girls ganged up on G-Man. They threw rude questions at him.
Where’s your REAL dad?
Yea, where’s your REAL dad?
Why isn’t your REAL dad here?
Doesn’t your REAL dad LOVE you?
Bear in mind this was TWO YEARS after my Sweetie legally adopted the boys. I put a quick stop to the nonsense and informed the girls that Uncle S is the boys REAL dad. Those two girls forced an adolescent boy to tears. Anyone reading this would know that the girls were only repeating something that they heard at home.
Ever since that awful day, gatherings with my sister and her family have been unbearable. Unbearable for me. Only slightly tolerable for my Sweetie. And the boys? Well, they're still hesitant.
So what’s my decision?
I’ve decided to stop trying.
I’ve decided to stop trying to be a sister to my sister. I’ve tried for forty years and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Life is too short to endure a painful... a hurtful relationship. In truth it isn’t even a relationship. It takes two people to be in a relationship and I was the only one who ever participated.
I made a decision to choose.
I choose love over hurt.
I choose my husband and our sons over my sister.
6 comments:
Erica, you did what was totally necessary for your boys and S. None of you deserve the harassment brought on by part of your family. Keep doing what you do. BTW I think you have a few "virtual" Sisters who would consider themselves lucky to have you as a REAL sister!
I have two brothers and three sisters, two sisters that are "truly pieces of work"...I know where you're coming from. I can tolerate them but sometimes it's difficult and a very superficial relationship.
Oh Erica, I feel your pain! My sister lives in Arizona and we are pretty much strangers. We're only 19 mos apart, she's older. My theory is she never got over me coming home from the hospital when I was born. She is jealous of ridiculous things (that I have a son and she doesn't; then I had a daughter, making what she claimed "the perfect family") and judges everything I do. I loved my 2 nieces so much when they were little and we all lived in NJ, but after they moved they started repeating all her crap. It's really painful but you're right to set limits. And to choose. Everything we do and say is some type of choice. She's not choosing to recognize she hurts you. It's so hard because siblings are the only ones witness to our childhoods. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. You can still have me as your adopted big sis... xo
You know my feelings on this. I will not put them on here. But you know you did the right things for YOU and for YOUR FAMILY. As Wendy said they are plenty of us out here that consider ourselves lucky to be part of your life and would love to have you for a Sister.
BTW I know deep down your parents understand. It's just hard to admit one of your kids is a putz.
That's a tough one. But I'm glad you did it. You deserve better than that and you're standing up for your boys and the man who loves you. It must be terribly disappointing to have to make it. But you did it, and it's making your life more conscious and filled with the good things.
I truly believe that "family" is more than what it says on a birth certificate or in a DNA test. It sounds like your sister is not treating you and your family with respect - I know it would be a hard decision, but I believe I would do exactly what you've done.
And it's her loss! You are clearly a woman worth having in a person's life!
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