The idea of this blog post has been rolling around in my brain for several days. I’m eager to share my thoughts and feelings but I’m afraid that my description will fall flat. Anyway, let me give it a go.
For the first time in a very long time… since before Christmas… I feel good. I honestly feel good. I don’t have to force myself to try and be happy. Things that I enjoy are coming back to me naturally. I’m smiling and laughing. I startled myself the other day when I sang along to the radio. I’m devouring books and I picked up my knitting again.
My life was very dim for many, many months. May and June were the darkest for me. Thinking back to that time frightens me. But somehow I never gave up. I tried and I tried hard. I tried to the point of crying. I really can’t explain what life was like or what I was feeling. In fact, I don’t even want to describe it. Heaven only knows how my family put up with me.
So what’s the difference? Primarily finding out what’s been bothering me all this time. When my Sweetie told me that he wanted his wife back I relented and agreed to see a psychologist. I was hesitant but I did it. After a couple of meetings, the doctor suggested psychological testing to discover the root problem. I agonized over the testing for no good reason. But now I’m thrilled that we did it. We discovered an issue leftover from my first marriage. Once it was out in the open it made perfect sense. It took me a week or so to process the information and there was a little bit of self-pity and a few angry tears involved. Then slowly I started to feel better and better and better.
To use the rollercoaster metaphor I'm past the first big drop. I'm through the tunnel and into the sunshine. The ride isn't over yet... there will be a few more hills to climb and I'm sure a corkscrew or two. Eventually, I'll coast to a stop and get off with a spring in my step. I look forward to that day. I can now honestly say that I truly believe it will come. I can also heartily say that my Sweetie has his wife back and I'm glad to be here.
5 comments:
Welcome back! I've missed you. I hope you know I'm here for you. So happy to hear that YOU'RE happy! And grateful for all those out there like the two of us who have endlessly supportive spouses to help us along where we get stuck.
It is so hard to get past things that you didn't even know you hadn't gotten past. I'm glad you was convinced to give therapy a try, the rewards are in the happiness!
I think GROPIUS said it but I 'll repeat it, "WELCOME BACK". We are all rooting for you. From here it will get better everyday. In the immortal words of BUZZ Lightyear, "To infinity and BEYOND"!
Good for you! I'm glad the big drop is over--hopefully the rest of the ride will be smoother.
So glad you're finding yourself and feeling better...here's to many more happy days ahead!
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