Another Mom Moment and Losing Control

School starts in less than a week. This morning I thought to myself that I should have planned better and taken a day off to spend with the kids. Yes, we just spent the past weekend together driving each other nuts while back-to-school shopping. But if had I taken a day off it would have been to do something fun. What exactly I don’t know.

I got to the office and realized that my parents were taking the kids to the Florida Aquarium today. I should have taken today off and gone with them. Should have, would have, could have. The realization caused me to have a Mom Moment. A Mom Moment that involved tears.

I sat blinking at my computer screen in the throes of a Mom Moment because I didn’t go to the aquarium with my two teenage sons. How silly is that? And what is really bothering me to make me so emotional? The Moment also included guilt that I was a horrible mother because my parents were taking the kids and not me. That portion of the Moment passed quickly because really it’s a grandparent’s prerogative to do the fun stuff with the kids.

In addition to my Mom Moment, I’ve been bombarded today with other messages that have my mind swirling.

Gropius blogged about a delicious afternoon she spent pursuing her artistic endeavors on her porch. She made every minute of her precious ME time count before her husband and boisterous 14-year-old son came home. It made me wonder when I really had my last me/alone time. True, I got a pedicure last weekend. But I spent the time chatting and being sociable with the nail tech. Not exactly a quiet moment. Then last month while staying at the Vinoy, I enjoyed a couple of leisurely hours reading on the Verandah. However, I didn’t fully surrender myself to my alone time. I was waiting on my husband to return from golf so we could have lunch together.

That thought of surrendering myself resonated with me when I read Aidan’s post over at Ivy League Insecurities about losing control (in a good way). Aidan quoted from the book, Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within, by Natalie Goldberg.

To be alive, we have to deal with the loss of control. Falling in love is a loss of control. When we die or someone we love dies, it’s a tremendous loss of control. And what’s nice about writing practice is it’s a measured way to dip yourself into that huge vast emptiness, that loss of control, and then pull yourself out so you can feel safe again. You put down your pen for a while and go take a walk. Then you dip yourself in. Sort of in degrees.

The author was referring to writing but I believe the concept can be applied to life in general. I just have to figure out how to let my hair down.

As if all of the above wasn’t enough to think about… my BFF Marcia, who lives TOO FAR AWAY, sent me a one line email with a quote from E.M. Foster.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Okay, Universe, I got your message. Would you mind sending some instructions along too?