Be Present

Has anyone else looked at the calendar this week and thought,

How did it get to be August already?

Where has this year gone? Time has been slipping by faster and faster. It’s true. At 40 years of age, a year is equal to 1/40th of my life. As opposed to when I was 10 years old and it was 1/10th of my life. Even if fractions make your brain hurt like they do mine, you get the idea.

What I find ironic is that I hear people wishing their lives away rather than living in the moment. Yes, that sounds a bit melodramatic. But how many times have you said, “I wish it was Friday.” Or how about, “I can’t wait until my vacation next month.”

The past nine months for me have been lost. Since December of last year I’ve been consumed by depression. It controlled my life. Hardly anything else got through the fog. While I’m happy to shrug off and forget the pain of depression, I can’t help but wonder,

What did I miss?

How many of my Sweetie’s jokes went unheard? How many kisses and hugs were left unreturned? How many of the kids smiles went unseen? How many times did the dog go unnoticed?

I’m more than a little bit cranky about this. Dare I say bitter? Mostly because this long period of depression comes so closely on the heels of my year of living in a drug-induced haze. Before my spinal fusion surgery I survived on (legally prescribed) painkillers that left me with a head full of brain termites.

So, yes, I’m grumpy that time is whizzing by exponentially faster AND forces beyond my control have caused me to miss large periods of my life. But my grumpiness is short-lived. Why should I waste my energy focusing on what I might have missed and risk missing something new? Make sense?

I’m at a point in my life in which I want time to slow down. I want to savor every moment. This is mostly the mom in me talking but this desire overlaps into other facets of my life as well.

When my boys were babies and toddlers I always looked forward to the next milestone… sitting up, first tooth, crawling, etc. I waited with anxious anticipation for the next developmental stage because I knew the next one was only a few weeks or months ahead.

But now things are different. The boys are about to enter the next stages of their lives. In three weeks time Mr. A will be a senior in high school and G-Man will be a freshman. Yes, I want to savor every moment. Before school starts there will be a driver’s test, school physicals, golf try-outs, and senior yearbook portraits. It’s all happening so fast.

In one year Mr. A will be off to college – be it the Naval Academy or traditional college. He will begin a new phase in his life and it will ripple across to the rest of us. My husband and I will adapt to being parents of a college student and halfway down the road to an empty nest. For the first time in his life, G-Man will have to adjust to daily life without his older brother. Somehow I have a feeling that he may not appreciate all the attention he’ll receive from his parents.

Many changes are coming our way in the next twelve months. My resolution? To treasure each moment. Each and every experience. Not to worry about what I might have missed. My family tells me not to worry about so I won't. I will laugh at the silly jokes and smile at the not-so-funny ones. I will listen and I will look. I will reciprocate every kiss, hug, and touch. I will rub Molly's ears. I will proofread essays, go to swim meets, and attend school functions.

I will NOT wish for Friday unless it's an unsually rough week.

In other words, I will be present.