This should probably be two separate posts

It was inevitable that I would come to a dip in this rollercoaster ride that is therapy. Unraveling the causes of depression is an interesting thing. Once the process finally got started, I have been eager, optimistic, and generally in a good mood. Then this week came along. I can’t fully articulate what happened or why I feel different. I just need to acknowledge that it’s all part of the process and the journey will continue. It’s a bump, a dip, a turn, a corkscrew, a whatever… but it’s definitely not a backwards step.

So for this week I’ve been a little quiet at work. In the morning I’ve pulled on stretchy knit dresses that don’t require ironing. I’ve worn my hair à la mode Stands With a Fist. I’ve continued to eat my healthy foods even though my favorite comfort foods of pizza and birthday cake seemed more appealing. And I’ve continued to walk in the evening because exercise helps counteract the physical symptoms of depression.

However, I haven’t started the hand sewing on Mr. A’s quilt yet. My camera is sitting on the desk collecting dust (I really should put it back in my camera bag). The new book I bought sits unread. And my blog ideas seem lackluster.

But this is a completely normal experience for someone in treatment. My mood is following the natural cycle of what I was told to expect and things are looking up as the week comes to a close. Today my parents and the boys came to my work to take me out for lunch. It was a welcomed break from the everyday and I did manage to chow down a slice (ok, two) of really good pepperoni pizza. Tomorrow night my Sweetie and I have plans to go out for dinner AND a movie aka Date Night. Have I ever told you how much I love Date Night? Well, I do.

Now the week is winding down and the up & down feeling of the rollercoaster is subsiding. I feel more like I’m floating on the ocean and I’m moving with the ebb and flow of the tide. This week has been bumpy but it will end well. There’s one more workday to focus on then an evening out with my Sweetie. Then the weekend to reset and recharge for the next step in this process.

-------

Oh, and I got a new Coach purse.



No, I didn’t buy the purse to make myself feel better. I bought the purse because it was a really, really good deal and I’ve always wanted a purse in some shade of blue. The fact that I’m happy to carry it is a bonus. You should know that the purse was aggressively priced for a reason. I bought the purse at the outlet store so it was already marked down from retail. Then it was marked an additional 50% off because I was told it was a return. The purse hadn’t been used so I decided to get it. Plus I had a coupon for another 10% off. At home, I unwrapped the tissue paper, found a gift receipt from Christmas in one of the pockets, pulled the paper from inside the purse, and was greeted with smell of cigarette smoke. Ugh. With the tight packing of the paper inside the purse and the overall scent of leather in the store I didn't notice anything was amiss.

My questions was… Do I return the purse or pray that the odor goes away? My husband’s question probably was phrased something like, Why are you crying over a Smurf-colored purse the size of a garage? I took action by placing a box of baking soda and a couple of sneaker balls in the purse for a few days. Then I hit the fabric lining with a shot of Febreeze. I’m pleased to report that my purse no longer reeks. Crisis and additional tears were averted.

Randomness

You may have noticed that I updated my blog layout a little bit. I think it looks cleaner and neater. Let me know what you think!

On to the Randomness...

My digital cooking thermometer insists that water boils at 210 degrees Fahrenheit.

When I asked Mr. A if two of his friend were dating each other replied, “Yea, sorta. But they’re not Facebook official.” Apparently, if you change your relationship status on Facebook, THEN it’s official.

Mr. A has a friend that drives him around. She only live a few blocks away and they often go the same places… swim practice, the movies, school activities, birthday parties, etc. It’s never out of her way to take Mr. A but I still feel like I should give her some money for gas. In the grocery store I stopped to look at the gift cards. G-Man asked what I was looking for so I told him. He thought about it for a second and then said, “So you want to give her a gas gift card instead of cash. That way you know she’s buying gas and not shoes.” At age 14 he has girls figured out.

Before shopping for cars we discussed what type of vehicle we'd like to get. My Sweetie asked me if I'd like a pick-up truck. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow and told him, "I don't think Molly (our Great Dane princess) is the pick-up bed kind of girl."

On my way to work this morning I noticed an out-of-shape 40-something woman jogging through the neighborhood with a very fit 30-something man. I thought to myself, "Oh cool! She's hired a personal trainer." Then I stopped myself. Why did I automatically assume that the only reason those two would be together is if the woman was paying the man. Why couldn't they be dating or even married? If the roles were reversed, the couple would be readily accepted. Or why couldn't they be neighbors who decided to work out together?

Mr. A wants me to tell everyone that he invented Kindle in kindergarten... sorta. In kindergarten he thought of the concept of an e-reader. His primary thought was that it could download the newspaper everyday and save paper. I told him that the initial investment of the device would probably make it financially impractical. What the heck was I talking about? I probably should have dragged his happy little butt to the patent office. But most likely we would have been too late anyway since the idea has been around for decades. I remember watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Capt. Picard was reading a novel on an e-reader.

Recently I saw a green Kia Sol going down the road. I was surprised when I realized that people were in the car rather than hamsters.

My Sweetie gave me a choo-choo shaped silly band that he found. Does that mean we’re going steady? We’re already Facebook official but has our relationship status been bumped up a notch?

Cars, Quilts, and Africa Hot

The weather in Florida has finally turned full on hot. It's Africa Hot. Tarzan couldn't stand this kind of heat.

Saturday afternoon my Sweetie and I went car shopping. We're looking for a third car to add to the family since Mr. A will get his driver's license next week. I can't even remember how many car lots we went to but I do remember the feeling of the heat coming off the asphalt. After a while I began to feel sorry for the sales people. We didn't come home with a new car but we've narrowed down what we want. My #1 criteria... no black interior.

Today I decided to stay in the A/C and quilt Mr. A's quilt. I'm in a rush to finish it so he can get some good use out of it before he heads off to either college or the Naval Academy in a year. I managed to quilt the entire quilt. My brain is fried and my neck is sore from sitting at the sewing machine for so many hours. Even so, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. As I stitched along I thought to when I had time to make challenging and creative quilts. That was back when I was a stay-at-home mom. I really wish I could quilt all day AND have health insurance. Wouldn't that be great?

I should have the hand sewing on the quilt finished in a couple of days. Then I'll be able to share some pictures. Oh, and speaking of photos... I've decided to take a hiatus from the Weekly Photo Challenge. My skill level has seem to hit a plateau. I need to learn some new techniques. So for now I'm taking a break from the weekly photos. But I still plan to include photos in as many of my blog posts as possible. So for your viewing pleasure here are some scans of quilts I made about 14 years ago when I had the time.


G-Man's baby quilt. This is one of my all-time favorites.



This quilt I made for Mr. A's first big boy bed.



Ha! This is my first quilt ever! When I picked the Mariner's Compass pattern I had no idea it was one of the hardest.



The quilt in the center is a sample I made for a quilt shop. I pieced the top and then an Amish lady hand-quilted it.



This pattern is a Texas Star. Legend goes that if an unmarried woman makes this pattern, then she'll be an old maid. I was married when I pieced the top. Another woman machine quilted it. Then it went up for a charity auction.



When I was pregnant with G-Man I collected floral fabrics because I "knew" I was having a girl. About a year later I made this watercolor Trip Around the World. I even taught a class on how to make it. This quickly became my favorite quilt. Many years later our first Great Dane, Lilly, decided she like the quilt too. Whenever I wasn't home she would pull it off the couch and sleep with it. Lilly passed away six years ago and we buried her wrapped in this quilt.

Last Book in the Stack

The other day I reached the bottom of the stack of my books to-read with the exception of one last book… Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. A few years ago when this book first rose to its height of popularity a friend of mine suggested that I read it. Non-fiction? No, thanks. I do remember picking up a copy in a bookstore, reading the intro, and putting it back down. But when I mentioned to my friend recently that I saw the trailer for the movie version and all the beautiful scenery she took it to mean that I finally wanted to read the book.

So for the past few weeks my friend’s copy of Eat, Pray, Love has been on top of a stack of books I picked up from the used bookstore. Each time I finished a book I would select another book from the stack and EPL would lower down one more notch. At last, it became the last book sitting in my stack. Rather than go back to the used bookstore again, I relented and decided to read about this woman’s spiritual journey.

I will freely admit that before I started the book I was cynical (and snotty) ((and jealous)). Wouldn’t it be nice to have enough money to leave the world behind and travel to three different countries for a year? Not to mention the lack of responsibilities that would allow an adventure like this to be possible?

The book is a very easy read. The author has a sense of humor and at the same time seems very open and honest. But at times I wonder if the author is just being dramatic for the sake of the story.

A few chapters or “beads” into the book my Sweetie asked me about it. I told him that Prozac was invented for this woman. I was partially being sarcastic but I also wondered that if all she said was true, how did she function on a daily basis. Her life was a mess. Such a mess that it only reaffirmed that no amount of financial assets could make a person happy and I didn’t have any reason to be jealous of her year-long trip abroad. By the 19th bead she reveals to the reader that she did go through therapy and go on medication in the period before her year-long travels. She credits the medication for saving her life but is still negative towards “mood-altering medication.”

I’ve been pondering this new revelation from the author for a few hours and it irritates me a little bit. Perhaps I’m taking it too personally just because of where I am in my life? Oh well, I’ll get over it. And I'll finish reading Eat, Pray, Love because I truly hope that she finds peace. She must have, right? She got a book AND a movie deal out of it.

Has anyone else read Eat, Pray, Love?
Were you cynical or jealous of the author’s ability to take a year-long trip overseas?

Everyone Needs a Woobie

While G-Man volunteered at the aquarium with my dad last Sunday, my Sweetie, Mr. A and I visited the new model homes that just opened in a subdivision nearby. I really didn’t want to go because I have no intention in moving anytime soon but you never know when a good decorating idea might jump out at you. Also, I was more than a little surprised about how optimistic the developer is by opening the subdivision in this day and age.

The homes were small, economical and some were downright cute. As we walked out of the final model, I let out a huge exhale and told my guys how GLAD I WAS that I don’t work in real estate ANYMORE! I particularly expressed my joy at not having to work with home buyers selecting carpet, tile, upgrades, etc. Ugh. That job was akin to being a marriage counselor.

After our model viewing we stopped for lunch and debated the pros and cons of each floor plan and feature. Then just to make our eldest son a little nervous, S and I talked about which house we would buy once the kids left for college. That naturally led to a discussion of Mr. A’s progress in the US Naval Academy application process. And that led to a general discussion of the Navy.

As the guys talked ships and stuff, my mind still wandered through the floor plans we had just seen. I mentally noted that one home didn’t have space for a sewing room. Why did I think that? I hardly sew anymore. I’ve made two baby quilts in the two years since my back surgery and that’s it. The awesome sewing set-up in my bedroom (see photo below) hasn’t even inspired me to get cutting and stitching. In fact, I still have a few unfinished projects including big size quilts for the boys to replace the little kids quilts they had outgrown years ago.




Suddenly, I interrupted the sea stories and blurted out:

Can you take a woobie to the Naval Academy?

Eldest son replied:

No personal items during Plebe summer.

I know that but what about once the academic year starts?

Nope.

What about after your Plebe year?

I don't think so.

What about when you join the fleet and are stationed on a ship?

That's when my hubby, the Navy veteran, interjects:

Non-issue bedding isn't allowed due to fire restrictions.

Ack!


My son wants to become a Naval Officer and I'm worried that while he's out defending and protecting the free world he won't have a woobie with him. Does anyone else appreciate the irony of this?

I've finally found my motivation to start sewing again. Mr. A needs his new quilt ASAP so he can at least get some use out of it before he leaves in a year. My sudden urgency required a trip to Target to get a few things to round out my sewing nook.


A new Rowenta iron so I don't have to keep going back and forth to the laundry room to press my pieces.


A task oriented chair to sit in while I'm at the machine. Of course I selected a fun color!

Luckily, I already had the blocks to Mr. A's quilt made. I designed a very, very simple block at the time because I was all loopy from the pain meds leading up to my back surgery. But that's perfectyly fine with Mr. A because he enjoys simple design. I have the top put together now. Once, I get it all quilted then I'll post some more photos. Then I'll get started on G-Man's quilt!

PLRH Wellness Program

The PLRH Wellness Program fell to the wayside a few months ago when I was in my deepest, darkest depression. Well, the physical health portion fell away because focusing on my mental health became all-consuming. In a balanced life both the physical and mental aspects of health go hand-in-hand. As much as I realize this, I had a hard time getting my butt off the couch. I didn't want to go to yoga and meditation no matter how much I enjoyed it. I didn't want to walk or ride my bike around the neighborhood with my Sweetie. Nor did I want to go swim laps with Mr. A.

Another part of the PLRH Wellness Program suffered as well... my diet. I didn't care about anything at the time so I certainly didn't care about what I ate. My biggest downfalls are refined sugars and carbs. I love them but since I'm no longer a competitive swimmer my body can't process them like it was 1987.

During my deep, dark depression my physician increased my medication to keep me functioning. The medication made me sleepy. So in order to keep awake at the office, I found myself cracking open a Coca-Cola usually at 9:30 am. Yes, Coca-Cola maybe the sweet nectar of life but it doesn't possess any nutritional value.

But here's the real kick in the pants... anyone who's taken anti-depressants or mood stabilizers knows that they come with one cruel side effect. Weight gain. That's right, let's take someone that's clinically depressed and sabotage their self-image too! While these medications make life livable for many people they also pack on the pounds. Some even cause insulin resistance. Over the past eight years I can attribute 30 pounds of weight gain to medication. But at least I have a couple of things going for me... at 5'9" I'm relatively tall and when this all started I was at the very low end of my healthy weight range. I would love to get back into shape and lose all that weight. But with the increase in medication I can only hope to maintain my current weight for the time being.

Three weeks ago I kick started the PLRH Wellness Program again. I'm tracking EVERYTHING I eat, all my activities, and weight using FitDay. I've got to say that it really makes me pay attention to what I'm putting in my body. For anyone who's looking to lose weight, exercise, or just eat healthier it's a great tool. My Sweetie and I are also walking every evening before dinner. We won't be ready for a marathon anytime soon but at least we're getting out there moving and spending time together.

Everything seems to be going in the right direction but I still have two questions:
Who thought of Pretzel M&M's?
And why do they taste soooo good?

Photo Challenge: Week 28

I really need to learn all the ins and outs of PhotoShop. Then I think I could make some more progress with my photos.

After the Big Drop

The idea of this blog post has been rolling around in my brain for several days. I’m eager to share my thoughts and feelings but I’m afraid that my description will fall flat. Anyway, let me give it a go.

For the first time in a very long time… since before Christmas… I feel good. I honestly feel good. I don’t have to force myself to try and be happy. Things that I enjoy are coming back to me naturally. I’m smiling and laughing. I startled myself the other day when I sang along to the radio. I’m devouring books and I picked up my knitting again.

My life was very dim for many, many months. May and June were the darkest for me. Thinking back to that time frightens me. But somehow I never gave up. I tried and I tried hard. I tried to the point of crying. I really can’t explain what life was like or what I was feeling. In fact, I don’t even want to describe it. Heaven only knows how my family put up with me.

So what’s the difference? Primarily finding out what’s been bothering me all this time. When my Sweetie told me that he wanted his wife back I relented and agreed to see a psychologist. I was hesitant but I did it. After a couple of meetings, the doctor suggested psychological testing to discover the root problem. I agonized over the testing for no good reason. But now I’m thrilled that we did it. We discovered an issue leftover from my first marriage. Once it was out in the open it made perfect sense. It took me a week or so to process the information and there was a little bit of self-pity and a few angry tears involved. Then slowly I started to feel better and better and better.

To use the rollercoaster metaphor I'm past the first big drop. I'm through the tunnel and into the sunshine. The ride isn't over yet... there will be a few more hills to climb and I'm sure a corkscrew or two. Eventually, I'll coast to a stop and get off with a spring in my step. I look forward to that day. I can now honestly say that I truly believe it will come. I can also heartily say that my Sweetie has his wife back and I'm glad to be here.

Weekend at the Vinoy

My Sweetie and I had a wonderfully relaxing weekend at the Vinoy. The only plans we made were a tee time and a massage appointment. The rest of the time was completely unplanned. We could do as little or as much as we want. And that's exactly what we did.

While S was off playing golf I had the best massage of my life. I was so relaxed that my mind actually went blank. A first for me! Afterwards, I sat on the Verandah and read my book while I waited for hubby to return from golfing.

We enjoyed spending time together without thinking about work or where the kids needed to be and when. We walked hand-in-hand along the bayfront in the evenings and down the pier and through the parks during the day. We took photos. We enjoyed the breeze and laughed at silly things. We ate wonderful food and stayed for coffee and dessert. We listened to jazz and played footsie under the table. It was blissful.

Here are some glimpses...


View of the Vinoy from St. Pete Pier... it's the pink building with the tower.



A beautiful day to walk along the bayfront.



The St. Pete Pier



Food? Food?



Close-up of the Vinoy tower.



Front entryway



The Verandah where I sat for hours reading while enjoying the breeze and the view.



The Lobby



Entrance to the main dining room.



The main dining room set-up for Sunday brunch. I wish I had thought to take a photo during the dinner service with all the candlelight. I told my Sweetie that it felt like we were dining on the Titanic.



Detail of the restored original stenciling in the dining room.



The Chihuly Chandelier in the Grand Ballroom.



Quite possibly the best chocolate cake ever.



One totally relaxed Sweetie. Isn't life grand?

Photo Challenge: Week 27

Hanging Out



Sun through the palm



Chihuly Chandelier

Titanium Anniversary

Saturday marks the two year anniversary of my spinal fusion surgery (XLIF procedure). I doubt many people celebrate the anniversaries of their surgeries. But for me it’s significant for several reasons.

First of all, if I hadn’t had the surgery my spine would have collapsed and I’d be typing this from a wheelchair. My condition had degraded so much from the MRI done two months before my surgery that the surgeon couldn’t believe that I was still walking.

Second, the surgery and subsequent recovery was the hardest thing physically and emotionally I have ever done in my life. EVER. I have stated previously on my blog that I would gladly give birth drug-free ten times than ever have that surgery again. I would volunteer at the reptile house at the zoo for an entire year! Train for a marathon! You name it!

Third, I’m gosh darn proud of myself for going through with the surgery and rehab. C’mon, look at the x-rays! I have six screws, two 6-inch titanium rods, and an implant in my back. What’s not to be proud about? The only thing that disappoints me just a tiny bit is that I don’t set off the metal detectors at the airport.

Fourth, it’s also my blogiversary! I started my blog a few weeks before my surgery as a way to document my experience. Two years later I’m still blogging and have met many wonderful people!

To celebrate my Sweetie is taking me to The Vinoy in St. Petersburg. The Vinoy is a completely restored Florida resort from the 1920’s. I love this hotel! We’re staying in the historic section. My Sweetie will play golf while I get a massage. The rest of the time it will be just the two of us spending time together and eating wonderful dinners in the original dining room. I can’t wait!

Have a great weekend everyone and for those of you in the northeast try to stay cool!

Skipping a Week

My camera was completely neglected last week. I didn't take a single photo. I didn't even pick up my camera. As a result, I don't have my weekly Photo Challenge photos to post. So I'll skip posting this week. I plan to get back out there with my camera and have something to show for it next week.

In the meantime, I leave you with some views from the top of Whiteside Mountain, Highlands, North Carolina. Elevation 4,930 feet.

Thanks for the Belly Laugh

While driving home from work this evening I received the following text message from Mr. A:

Dry ice in a squirt gun makes it go full auto, and then kinda breaks it...