How many times a day do we hear this phrase? And then simply answer, “Fine, thanks.”
How many times do we ask this question and expect only a pleasant, non-committal answer because we’ve adjusted to the social norms?
Even during a foreign language class we learn “How are you?” the very first day as part of a ritual greeting.
¿Cómo está usted?
Comment allez-vous ?
And only learn the positive response.
Muy bien, gracias.
Très bien, merci.
In the made-for-TV movie, Brave New World based on Aldous Huxley’s novel, the main characters greet each other with the single-breath salutation,
“Hi-How-are-you-I’m-fine-Thank you.”
The characters didn’t even understand the concept of asking the other person, “How are you?” Our society hasn’t gotten to that point yet but I wouldn’t be surprised if someday the true meaning of that phrase is lost in the surface pleasantries.
Now granted there are some situations in which it’s not appropriate to share exactly how you feel nor do you really want to know what’s going on in someone else’s life. Imagine greeting a sales rep or business client in a meeting, asking “How are you?” and getting this response,
“ I’m so totally stressed. My mother-in-law has decided to move in with us, my son got caught smoking pot, my husband started gambling again, and to top it all off… I’ve got cramps. I plan on coasting through this meeting. As soon as I get out of here, I’m going to Happy Hour with friends and get hammered.”
But, on the other hand, there are people in our lives who truly care about our answers. How often do we answer them truthfully? How often do we really tell them how we feel or what’s weighing on our minds?
I used to be the Queen of I’m Fine. No matter what tempest was brewing inside me I always had a happy, glossy, and perfect exterior veneer. Any sort of crisis could be happening in my life and I never once showed sign of crumbling emotionally.
I’ve been credited with being an extremely strong person. It’s also been pointed out that my inner strength is my greatest attribute and at the same time my biggest fault. I don’t know if I’ve been strong, stoic, or stupid.
When asked, “How are you?” I never answered truthfully with,
Instead I smiled and answered with my standard, “I’m fine.”“I’m emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I want to protect my children and divorce my verbally abusive husband. I really need to talk to a friend.”
These days I’m attempting to be more honest with my answers (when appropriate) and to listen more closely to the answers of others. This is a big step for me. Believe it or not, blogging helps prompt honesty. It’s definitely easier to be more truthful, open, and vulnerable when there’s the protection of anonymity. It truly is a brave new world.
O wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world
That has such people in't!
- Miranda, The Tempest
****
Your Turn
How are you? Be honest!
8 comments:
If I really know the person, and am having a bad a day day, I would always respond with "Do you really wanna know?"
I wouldn't have to give any details beyond that if I or they didn't want to, but at least they knew it's wasn't all rosy.
And you'd be surprised how many times I got the answer "Sure, what's wrong"
This is one of the best posts I've read. You are great. As for me, I'm down with a nasty cold.
LHB
I'm totally agree. Very few people give a care when they ask. It's mostly just to be polite. It depends on who ask as to how I answer. I've gotten to where I don't ask if I don't really care.
The fact that you recognize this and have the thought to write about it makes you very wise.
As you know, I have recently given this a lot of thought. The question of vulnerability, of answering honestly. Today? Today I am good. I have spent the entire day inside with my girls because of the snow. There have been many snuggles and spoonsful of peanut butter. Today is just fine.
Great post.
I am awesome. I woke up this morning (always a good thing), nothing really hurts much, I have enough food, the roof isn't leaking, I have a job, I have money in the bank, I have clean water to bathe with, and I don't even have to drive my car to work. I am the luckiest alien in the world.
I am stressed, my daughter who is a freshman in college has not been doing what she is supposed to. She doesn't seem to understand how expensive this freedom she is enjoying really is. She is a good girl, just spoiled. Our fault I admit it. Thanks for asking. I enjoyed reading your blog and I love your red hair.
I'm extremely fortunate to have what I do. Now here's how I am: I'm stressed. I hate it that I feel that way, but that's truly how I am. And tomorrow is another day, Miss Scarlett.
First time on your blog...thanks for stopping by mine!
One thing I have noticed is that people don't seem to want to hear more than "I'm fine" or one of the standard answers. For a period, I tried to say more in my responses and people kind of looked at me like, "Oh, I don't have time for what you are telling me." I agree with you though that honestly and taking the time to listen is important.
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