Four years have gone by since my father-in-law, Roger passed away unexpectedly. Roger was the first person close to me to die. Sure, I knew relatives who passed away in years long ago. But Roger was the first person I learned to love as an adult to have died.
It’s taken these four years for me to learn that each person grieves in their own way. I can’t even begin to imagine the grief my husband and mother-in-law feel since I haven’t lost a spouse or a parent.
I will admit that I’ve been critical and judgmental of others’ exterior signs of grief. The rituals or traditions that mark the anniversary of the loved one’s death rather than his birthday make me very uncomfortable. I prefer to celebrate life. But I’ve learned over the past few years that these grieving traditions are for the benefit of the living. So I do my best to participate to support my husband and mother-in-law.
I miss Roger in my own way. I miss him terribly when there’s a family gathering. Like me, Roger came from a very small family without branches and branches of cousins. We both married into families that require a road map to keep track of all the players. Families that have a wedding, a birth, and a wake at least once a month. Roger was my mentor, my guide, my co-conspirator at family functions.
When my Sweetie and I got engaged we had dinner with his parents, his sister, and his sister’s family. At one point during the dinner, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and Sweetie were excitedly discussing the guest list. Roger must have notice the deer-in-the-headlights-look in my eyes. He gently touched my elbow. I glanced at him and he motioned for me to lean in close. We both leaned in to share our secret and Roger said something that I will never forget,
“I’ve been married for over 40 years and I still haven’t met all the people that were at my wedding.”
Cheers, Roger. I miss you.
9 comments:
Love this. What a wonderful memory to share in honor of him!
What a great memorial. i know we all grieve in our own way and each person for different reasons. Unfortunately I've lost way to many people in my life.
What a lovely tribute. And I agree with you wholeheartedly that grief is idiosyncratic. We all cope in our own ways.
Oh so true! We all deal with grief in our own ways. It sounds like you two had a special connection.
Perhaps busying oneself on the anniversary of a loved one's death is giving the grieving a way to be proactive in their grief. Otherwise; what would one do on that day but ruminate?
I lost my beloved husband 10 years ago. Yes, I remember his birthday but the day he crossed over holds more significance. That was the day he was torn from our hearts. Being active fills that void if only just a little for a short time.
We remember and grieve every day. It's a little more difficult on the anniversary day.
You are fortunate to have known such a special man. Your strength is admirable. One never knows what the future holds and we can only pray that we react with dignity and honor.
Beautiful. You are correct, grieving traditions are for the living. We all having different methods of coping.
Remembering your father-in-law with such pleasant thoughts is the best way possible. I too miss mine greatly. He was always the calm in the middle of the storm. When my own father died (from which I will never recover), Bob was there to step up and be a surrogate Daddy for me. Thanks for sharing this.
Roger's my kind of people. I'm glad you had the chance to know him.
This one hits very, very close to home. My father-in-law died unexpectedly almost four years ago (it'll be four years in April). He, too, is the first person I learned to love as an adult who died. I miss him a lot.
This is a wonderful tribute to your father-in-law. Thank you for sharing.
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