New Diagnosis

Relieved. Tired. Exhausted. Happy. Relaxed. Joyful.

I feel all of those things right now.

I feel like Erica.

These past few weeks that I’ve been off the Seroquel (anti-psychotic medication) have been wonderful. I’m the real me again. For the first time in 10 months my therapist has seen my actual personality and we’ve had some excellent conversations.

Two weeks ago a light bulb went off over her head and she said,

I don’t think you have cyclical depression at all. I think you have PTSD.

Ya think? I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years. I was in fear of my safety and the safety of my children. I was in fight or flight mode FOR 10 YEARS! After my divorce I had all the classic symptoms of PTSD: nightmares, anxiety attacks, hyper vigilance, flask backs, memory loss of traumatic events, etc…

My GP originally mentioned PTSD years ago but I think as depression settled in, her treatment focus switched to that. And yes, PTSD can cause depression.

I met with the psychiatrist today and he confirmed the PTSD diagnosis. Since I'm doing so well on my current antidepressant and therapy, he wants to leave things status quo for another few weeks and then I'll check back in with him.

So why am I so relieved?

Because if all of this is really PTSD and not Major Depressive Recurrent, then I DON'T have to be on medication for the rest of my life. Yes, PTSD is a bitch. It is crippling. But I've survived the worst of it. I lived with my ex-husband for 10 years and the resulting after effects for the past nine years. Nineteen years and I'm only 41. That's almost half my life.

I'm happy because I can confidently say that I've worked through 95-98% of the PTSD. I feel that I'm in the home stretch. I also know that I've come so far because of the love and support of my fabulous husband and parents. If it wasn't for them, I would have gone mad years ago.

I'm so looking forward to the rest of my life.