PTSD is hell. PTSD isn’t weakness. PTSD is survival.
Someone in the middle of PTSD doesn’t think of the future. Someone in the middle of PTSD doesn’t think about escape. Someone in the middle of PTSD only thinks about surviving this moment, this day.
Someone with PTSD quickly learns how to regulate their emotions. Regulate their emotions to a fault. Once emotions are closed off it’s extremely difficult to open them back up.
PTSD becomes the new normal. The old life is lost and forgotten. No thought is ever given to going back.
Unless, there’s a special someone who asks you to come back. In my case, I have an entire family of special someones that asked me to come back.
I learned how to survive back in 1992. I’ve lived in fight or flight mode for 19 years. That’s almost half of my life. I forgot how to feel and experience emotions. I only knew how to tamp down the emotions.
For the past year I’ve worked hard. I fought against the PTSD. I worked hard to live life without PTSD.
Life is changing for me and it’s a little scary. I’m not just talking about the obvious changes that everyone sees i.e. eldest son going off to college and youngest son learning how to drive. I’m talking about the changes inside of me.
It’s scary as hell to experience emotions after such a long absence. But I have to trust myself. I have to metaphorically take my hands off the handle bars and enjoy the thrilling ride as the wind blows my hair back. I can’t worry if the butterflies in my stomach are a panic attack waiting to happen or pure and innocent excitement.
My changing life is helping me rediscover all of my emotions and it's wonderful as it is scary. Yesterday morning I was feeling particularly emotional and my first, gut reaction was,
What the heck is wrong with me?
But then I paused a moment and thought about EVERYTHING that is going on in my life. I thought seriously about it. I reviewed everything and my reactions to it all. Then I came to my conclusion,
All of my emotions are completely appropriate for everything going on.
I feel like I've stepped into a brave new world. I feel alive. This is awesome.
****
Note: Complex PTSD is used to describe my PTSD symptoms because of the long-term trauma I experienced. Even though Complex PTSD is not a separate diagnosis from PTSD, mental health professionals recognize it and realize that different treatment might be needed. For more information, visit the National Center for PTSD.
6 comments:
Yay for you in getting your life back. It is a scary and unpredictable ride, but so worth it. Even once you get there, you will have to come to terms with the uncertainty of not controlling everything that is happening to you, but you will find a peace in the fact that you are indeed feeling life as you LIVE it. So happy for you. Prayers and hugs to you as you go through these challenging changes in your life, Erica.
Always said your the strongest woman I know. One day at a time. Enjoy all the new and exciting things in life.
Good for you! You should feel very proud of yourself. Remember that there's nothing wrong about anything you might feel. It's all good. It's all appropriate.
I have PTSD too. I've managed it pretty well, I think, but others may disagree. ;-) I'm so glad you're working on managing yours!
What an honest post! Thanks for sharing!
I'm so impressed by your ability to put things in perspective and I applaud your bravery for putting your struggle out there. You never know: your honesty might help another person get the help they need.
Sending you strength and love during the changes of the coming weeks.
xo
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