Feeling Feelings

When I was married to that not-so-nice person I learned how to bury my feelings. I would withdraw my feelings and appear calm on the exterior. Any anxiety I felt and the stressors that caused my anxiety would be pushed down and out of the way so I could deal with the moment. Unfortunately, over time, I did that with all of my feelings. Not just my anxieties. All of my feelings. I practically became numb to emotions. I was the PR spokesperson for “Keep Calm and Carry On.”

I’ve heard that technique referred to as compartmentalization. I’m not sure if that’s an accurate term but I know what I did was a basic survival tool.

Once I was out of the stressful marriage and I felt safe, a lot of the emotions came flooding out. They were worse than flashbacks because it was as if I was experiencing the emotion of the situation for the first time. It was cathartic and all part of the healing process. But I continued to guard my feelings.

Whenever something slightly stressful or unpleasant arose I could feel myself withdrawing. I had to make a conscious effort to FEEL my feelings. Did I ever feel vulnerable!

Oh, I’ve come such a long way.

Now I don’t even have to think about feeling my feelings. Sounds strange, doesn’t it? I just feel. I feel and I experience and it’s wonderful. All of it is wonderful. Truly. Especially when I realize after-the-fact that I didn’t withdraw during a stressful event.

I also realize that withdrawing into myself emotionally would be easier in the short-term but not in the long run. I’m so proud of myself for not giving in to the path of least resistance method.

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However, this whole feeling of spontaneous emotions occasionally takes me by surprise like when Robert told me the story of The Scarf.

Or when I stopped by the jewelers to get the clasp on my watch fixed. My Sweetie gave me a beautiful, bracelet watch seven years ago on the first Christmas we were married. The watch has kept perfect time every single day. I've worn it everyday with the exception of the miserable days I spent recovering from my back surgery.

When the jeweler told me that I had to leave my watch for a week I felt a pang. What??? You would have thought that she told me I had to leave Molly or one of my kids. I swallowed the lump in my throat and walked back to my car. I thought I might cry. Then I thought that I was being a little silly for being so emotional about an inanimate object and I should just stop. Finally my brain processed through it all and I decided that being a little sentimental isn't all that bad afterall.

In the meantime, my wrist feels naked.